50 Shades of “not watching this crap”

So, the 50 Shades of Grey movie is about to be released. I’ve been asked by multiple friends if I want to go and see it.

I don’t.

I read the book out of sheer boredom once. I was on a long haul flight, and someone had left a copy of the paperback behind in the seatback pocket from a previous flight. By the time this happened, the book was already quite popular, and I knew more or less what it was about. A few of my friends had told me how great it was, but as I don’t generally like “chick lit” in the first place, I didn’t think it would do much for me.

It didn’t.

I have nothing against porn. I have no problem with BDSM. I have a problem with 50 Shades of Bullshit.

The book reads like it was written by a 14 year old virgin who’s watched a lot of porn, but never actually had sex before. It is one of the most poorly written pieces of literature I’ve read in my life.

I found out some time later that it was actually based off a piece of fanfiction that the author had written for the Twilight fandom.

I have no problem with fanfiction. I have no problems admitting that I read it. Most of it is horrific in terms of spelling, grammar, structure, and the authors seemingly having no clue about reality. However there is some brilliantly written fanfiction out there as well. I have some of my favourites bookmarked from various fandoms, and go back and re-read them from time to time. I’m in no way discounting 50 Shades of Grey because it was based on fanfiction in and of itself. But it is one of those aforementioned “horrific” stories that is badly written, where the author seems to have no grasp on the subject matter she’s trying to write about.

I’ve had enough sex and come across enough porn in my life to know what’s what. And 50 Shades is not.

I finished reading the book with a very bewildered feeling. How were people calling this “mummy porn”? Presumably to be a “mummy”, one must have had sex at some point in their life. How could anyone who has ever had sex read the words and actions of Ana or Christian and actually get turned on by it? I wanted to piss myself laughing! And not in good way.

So, do I want to go and see a movie based on an absolutely atrociously written book? Where the actor playing Christian Grey looks like a muppet?

Not quite.

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